My story
When I came out at the age of 19, I thought that the shame, secrets, and fear that plagued me during my teenage years would melt away.
While it was a momentous step forward, it turns out that I subconsciously packed some baggage with me- and I was unconscious of its impact on my life for many years.
It took a painful heartbreak that shook me to the core for the baggage finally burst open. Here’s my story:
Living the dream
In 2007 I realized my dream of buying my very own condo downtown Toronto. Finally, I had my own space to be free to do as I pleased and I had a great job that allowed me to enjoy the many benefits of living in the big gay city.
But on the inside the something was amiss. Despite having everything I said I wanted, I was easily irritated by the world around me. I’d overreact to small inconveniences. I was sensitive to other people’s opinions of me. I’d use manipulation tactics to get what I wanted, and I’d be resentful if I didn’t get it.
The call
On Thanksgiving 2014, my boyfriend at the time, a man I loved deeply, dumped me. My immediate response was one of indignation. I tried to overcome it with my usual “feel good” techniques: drowning my sorrows in parties, sex, drugs, and alcohol. I even took a dream vacation to Peru. But all the tricks that had worked for me before were falling short.
Spiral
By December, I had lost 12 pounds and was plagued with illness and fatigue. I called in sick regularly at work. I distanced myself from friends, and my family was concerned. For the first time in my life, I didn’t recognize myself: I felt insecure, weak, and hopeless. I didn’t like myself. Every morning I’d wake up to the agony of having to live it all over again. I felt like a victim of my circumstances and blamed everything around me: my ex, my friends, my upbringing, and God (even though I didn’t believe in such a thing).
Change is inevitable, growth is optional
Rock bottom
I hit rock bottom during Christmas in NYC on what was supposed to be a debaucherous night out in Hell’s Kitchen. All it took was hearing the wrong song at the wrong time for the dam to finally burst. I sank to the ground in a pool of tears and vodka. That’s when I gave up trying to feel better.
My entire adult life, I was confident, successful, and achieved everything I set my mind to. “If I’m so smart, why can’t I figure this out?” I’d plead to myself. Everything I thought I knew about myself was called into question. I sank under the weight of shame, self-doubt, and insecurity.
Ground zero
At the dawn of the new year, I made a decision: I was going to dedicate 2015 to do whatever it takes to feel better. The usual techniques didn’t work so I had to try something new. That’s when I was introduced to mindfulness and personal development. It was the first step to recovery.
The work
I learned about mindset and consciousness- and I applied it. I took a deep dive into my mind and uncovered a lot of the programming that was causing my pain: self-sabotage, limiting beliefs, fear, and shame. I got to know them well, and I began untangling myself from them. Even though my circumstances didn’t change, a found greater sense of satisfaction, calmness, and confidence growing within me.
The answer was within me the whole time
Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I always had the power, I just needed to learn it for myself. Rather than focusing on the outside, I focused on what was going on inside me: my thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. In the two years that followed, everything changed. I was healthy and in shape, I got a promotion, my relationships grew stronger, I bought my dream home, and I even ended up having a second chance with the man I loved.
A new me
I learned how to create confidence from within rather than relying on external sources of validation. I got better at cultivating happiness rather than looking for it elsewhere. I felt a deeper sense of connection. My sense of purpose grew, as did my capacity to experience joy. When bad things happened, I had faith in my ability to handle them. In fact, when my boyfriend broke up with me again, my response was completely different from the first time: I licked my wounds and used my pain to start a wellness blog for gay men.
It’s a journey, not a destination
Alas, I am no enlightened master. Like everyone, I’m on this life journey that can be an infuriating clusterfuck of pain, anger, and hopelessness. But I’ve learned that these moments present the greatest opportunities for growth. Everyday I apply these lessons and zigzag my way to living a more satisfying life in the process.
Coaching
Today, I use my experience overcoming shame, self-doubt, and fear to complement my training as a life & wellness coach. I guide clients to living more empowered and fulfilling lives by showing them how they can live into their greatest potential. My mission is to facilitate your journey in unleashing your innate strength and confidence so you can create a future you’re excited for.
If I can do it, anyone can do it. You have the power within you, and I can guide you to it.
