The steam room can be an interesting place to practice mindfulness
Anyone who enjoys the benefits of a good steam or sauna after a workout knows about the creepy men who seem to be permanent fixtures in the locker room. Do they ever actually work out? Do they have jobs? How much of their day is spent lurking around hoping for a piece of action? Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers, but my educated guesses are: no, no, and all waking hours.
There was a time that these phlegmwads were my bane of my existence. I could be having a stellar day and yet the sight of one of these locker room trolls had this overwhelming power to throw me out of my zen zone into a spell of psychotic rage. Such a visceral reaction was a clue that there was something going on inside me that needed to be unpacked. After all, they didn’t create the hate, I did; they just had the audacity to simply exist. In the process of doing that inner work, I found opportunities for personal growth and though I haven’t been cured in totality, I’ve been able to curb my vitriolic reaction by extracting these three valuable lessons:
1. Practicing empathy
Want to work out that empathy muscle? What better test than empathizing with these people who I consider the lowest form of human within the confines of a gym. Empathy is in such short supply in today’s divided society and I believe we all need to be practicing this skill which I continue to struggle with on a regular basis. It’s easy for me to find empathy with loved ones, more challenging in the world of office politics, but finding empathy for locker room trolls is a serious Level 10 achievement.
Empathy is the ability to identify with another person by understanding and sharing their thoughts, feelings, or emotional states.
As the fuck if. These people have no sense of personal space, they don’t know how to take a hint, and on top of that, I find them physically gross. Asking me to empathize with them is akin to asking me to saw off my toe with a rusty butter knife.
But I wasn’t about to let them ruin my perfectly delightful steam session so for the sake of my own sanity, I had to try this empathy thing. If I wanted to build those empathy muscles, it’s the people who irritate me the most that I should be practicing on. By changing the story I was telling myself, I was able to elicit feelings of sympathy for them, which can then open the door to empathy. One such example:
John’s parents arranged his marriage when he was 18 years old. Little did they know (or care) that he was a young gay man. All he knew is that he had urges he couldn’t explain and didn’t want. His family dictated the terms of his love life against his instinctual desires, but quickly learned he needed to play the part anyway. He’s now been married for 24 years- but has never been able to act on it. He craves something he is ashamed of. After living in a society where there has been no outlet or support for him for 42 years, he arrived in Canada a short time ago when his company transferred him. In a new and accepting culture away from his family obligations, he has he been free to explore his natural desires.
Putting myself in his shoes I feel shame, guilt, secrecy, fear, loneliness, and uncontrollable desires. Had I not been there before? Yes, I was 14 years old and terrified. If I was still at that level of experience almost 30 years later, would I not do almost anything to get a glimpse of a naked man in the flesh? Hell yes. If I were in his shoes, would my cruising skills be polished? No. And that’s when I can start to find some empathy.
Yes, I had to create a story in my mind that could be 100% false, but here’s the thing: I was creating a story in my mind about this guy anyway. The difference is in the original story, I was the victim and he was the villain. There’s a thousand stories we tell ourselves, and we tend to cast ourselves as the victim in these stories. But why not flip the script? My process- flawed as it may be- allowed me to find something in common with this stranger so that I could empathize with him on a human level. The beneficiary of this wasn’t him at all, it was me: I was relieved of the rage and anger I had been carrying inside.
2. Meditate it away
As a general rule, I don’t make eye contact with locker room trolls for fear they’ll take it as permission to blow their wad all over my leg. So when I’m having a nice steam, I often shut my eyes and take the time to do a meditation.
One of my favourite analogies for meditation is the idea that our thoughts are the waves on the surface of the ocean and meditation is what happens when we go below the surface. The convulsing waves turns to a gentle sway and then even deeper is pure stillness. The sight of these degenerates in the steam room typically turns my normal-sized waves into destructive tidal waves so I find it good practice to meditate them out of existence.
I close my eyes, sit up straight, take a deep breath in, along with all my anger and resentment at their presence in my space- and then I release it all on the exhale. Then I imagine myself slowly sinking beneath the surface further and further away from the riff raff on the surface. If my mind is tempted to activate those thoughts again, I gently go back to my breath. This only needs to last for a few minutes. Most of the time when I open my eyes either they’re gone or their presence doesn’t bother me anymore.
One time though, I opened my eyes to find a guy fervently jerking off trying to finish himself off watching me meditate. Different strokes for different folks, amiright?
3. Mastering that IDGAF attitude
You gotta give them some credit. Personally, I’m not attracted to any of these people whatsoever. I’d rather have sex with a cactus and by my observation, that’s the consensus with the other gym patrons. Everyone knows who they are and what their m.o. is, and we all just roll our eyes and deal with it.
But imagine being that guy who is the object of such shade, and the gays are especially good shade. Imagine your entire human existence was the ire of everyone you encounter? Somehow, these people have the wherewithal to walk around naked for hours at a time, optimistic that they’re going to get a piece. What balls they must have!
Most of us would fall apart at that level of rejection; we would be filled with shame and take it personally. Not these guys. To them, our rejection and disdain is completely irrelevant; they just don’t give a fuck. And that’s how it should be.
Part of me admires their commitment to their goal; the sheer determination and fearlessness is an attitude I could use more of in my life. They face rejection and failure day after day, and they pursue their passion regardless. Think of what we would accomplish if we didn’t let other people’s opinions weigh so heavily on us. They personify- in their own unique way- a wonderful lesson about being true to your desires despite what anyone else has to say about it. I bet if they could bottle that confidence and self-assuredness, we’d be lining up around the block.
Now when I encounter one of these individuals, my gut reaction is still one of resistance, but not that level of contempt that I had before. I continue to practice these techniques- and learning some new ones on the way- that teaches me valuable lessons in the power of my own mind and my ability to change the way I feel.
