Have you ever tried to explain to your straight friends or family what NSA, PNP, BB bukkake is? They would probably be horrified (Google that at your own risk). Gay lingo can be incredibly amusing, colourful, and effective. However, there are some terms that on closer inspection do more harm than good.
Here I look at three commonly used phrases that don’t add any value to our vernacular and therefore should be abolished completely: non-scene, masc, and ddf.
The importance of language
We tend to use words casually without paying much attention to their power and meaning. And yet our words are the tools we use express ourselves and communicate with others. Therefore it is integral that we say what we mean and mean what we say. Communicating honestly and genuinely is a valuable skill that benefits all of our relationships and interactions whether it’s your partner or colleague or the guy you hook up with at the gym after hot yoga.
1. “Non-scene”
What is the scene? Where is it? Who’s there and what are they doing? These are the questions I asked in my attempt to define this “scene” I hear so much about. Based on my discussions with people who actively use the term, like many meaningless words, it carries many meanings.
Here are some of the common phrases that came up in my investigation:
- Church St. / The Village
- Gay clubs and partying (specifically dancing with no shirt on)
- Being around a lot of gay people
- Getting drunk and high
Why it doesn’t work
The definition is murky at best. What if you go to a gay bar that’s not in the village and have a gay old time? Is that non-scene because it’s not in the village? What if you go out to the village with a bunch of your straight girlfriends? Are you non-scene because you’re not with other gays?
As far as I can tell, in order to qualify for “non-scene” status you have to be anti-village and anti-gay bar. It may be okay to get drunk and high- as long as it’s not in the village and around other gay men. But when do you get “scene” status? After one visit or ten? And what’s so bad about “the scene” anyway? Is it the gay bars, the music, the partying, the alcohol, or the drugs? The sheer ambiguity of this term is enough to toss it in the dumpster with the Windows 95 floppy disks.
Possible alternatives
If you use this phrase, ask yourself what you really mean and what your intention is. Based on that self check-in, try stating your preference for “non-scene” in a different way. Here are some examples:
- I live a substance-free life and am looking for same
- I prefer doing xyz than going to gay bars
- I am not a partier
I would also suggest looking at why it’s so important to you that someone is non-scene. In my personal experience with people who are disdainful of the more open, visible aspects of the gay community, there is usually some underlying internalized homophobia at play.
2. “Masc”
Masculinity is a topic worthy of its own post (stay tuned). Specific to this context though, I’m referring to people who either identify as or are seeking guys who are “masc”. But what exactly does it mean to be masculine? According to Google: “having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, especially strength and aggressiveness.”
Again, I asked people what “masc” means to them, here are some of the common terms that came up:
- “Straight-acting” (another candidate for abolishment)
- Taller, muscular, body hair
- Not flashy and flamboyant
- When people can’t tell you’re gay
Why it doesn’t work
Where to begin? Let’s start with the fact that this term implies a traditional definition of masculinity in an era when men and women are sharing and exchanging these roles more than ever, thereby blurring the line between masculine and feminine. For the record, I think this is awesome.
Secondly, by stating that you’re looking for someone with masculine attributes, you’re assuming that person defines it in the same way. Your idea of what it means to be masculine may be very different from mine. For example, I cry during Ikea commercials, I’m expressive, and I frequently peruse the women’s apparel section at H&M. But I’m also assertive, confident, and posses an abundant sexual appetite. So do I qualify as masc?
Ultimately, we all possess both masculine and feminine traits. Gender expression is fluid and can change over time and from one situation to another. So unless you plan on measuring masculinity by someone’s testosterone levels, there’s no value in using the word “masc” in 2019.
Possible alternatives
To answer this, ask yourself what specific “masculine” traits you’re looking for and use those words instead, i.e.: “seeking hairy, muscular, aggressive men”. But don’t be surprised if you realize that what you’re actually trying to say is “don’t be effeminate.” If this is the case, I’d also suggest you dig a little deeper into what masculinity means for you and why these gender roles are so important to you.
In my experience, when someone feels contempt towards gay men who don’t “blend in” to their idea of masculinity, it is a sign they may be dealing with some internalized homophobia. Has anyone notice a trend yet?
3. “DDF”
This stands for “drug and disease free” and usually in the context of “are you ddf?” Oh yes, the double whammy of drugs and disease. Similar to “non-scene” and “masc”, its vague definition is what renders it useless. Here’s my attempt to define this, again, speaking with men who have both come across this term and use it in their profiles:
- They don’t have an STI
- They don’t use drugs
- They don’t use drugs during sex (PNP/chemsex)
Why it doesn’t work
First of all, lumping drugs in with disease seems a little unfair doesn’t it? It seems to imply that drugs and disease are synonymous. For the sake of argument, when using the word “disease” here, let’s assume we’re referring to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and not arthritis or liver disease. Already the definitions are murky. What constitutes a drug? Party drugs or recreational drugs? And is weed still considered a drug? What about prescription drugs?
Secondly, let’s talk about being STI-free. I totally get the sentiment- you want to know your partner’s HIV and STI status and that’s fair. But I’d like to point out that even still, there are risks involved:
- People lie. Whether it’s the shame in not wanting to admit it, or simply because they will do anything to get a piece, there is always the possibility that they will lie. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth and pretending otherwise is simply naïve.
- Even if you’re someone who is regularly tested for things like gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV, it’s not common to routinely test for things like herpes, lice, or HPV. Yet these are all very real and can be asymptomatic.
- There is a window period between exposure to an infection and the point when that infection will show up on a test. During the window period, a person can be infectious but still test negative. To complicate matters, window periods vary depending on the infection. So unless you’re a virgin or have been celibate for a very long time, there’s almost no way to definitively know you’re “disease-free”.
Finally, while its intention may be good, this term comes with stigma towards HIV, STIs and drug use. In my experience, guys are looking for a guarantee of sexual health that simply isn’t realistic. I may be disease-free as of last month, but what about any encounters since then? Ultimately, he can either ask me about all my sexual encounters since my last test and anything that occurred in the window period. Or, he can take a calculated risk. In my experience, we take the risk.
Possible alternatives
The only real alternative here is to have an honest, stigma-free conversation about sexual health and drug use. If you’re not into substances, say that you’re “living a drug-free life and looking for same.” If it’s more about sexual health, try “I’m on PrEP and do routine STI testing regularly and looking for same.” When the time is right, then you can ask the important questions:
- What’s your HIV status? If positive, what’s your viral load?
- When was the last time you were tested for STIs? What were you tested for?
- Are you on PrEP? Have you been vaccinated against HPV?
Ask your partner what his status is, but also know that it is not an assurance that you’re engaging in risk-free activity. I’m not saying this to scare anyone, I’m just suggesting that we be conscious of our sexual behaviours and the associated risks. Doing so, and having honest conversations will benefit us as a community in the long run and help to remove the stigma.
Final Thoughts
All of these phrases stigmatize an aspect of gay culture: partying, drugs, effeminacy, sex, and sexual health. Where there’s stigma, there’s shame and judgment, even if it is unintentional. But that is not an excuse. We should be intentional about the language we use because it directly impacts our experiences and outcomes.
I am not suggesting that we deny or feel guilty about our preferences, but I think the way in which we communicate these preferences should be done mindfully using language that is free of shame or judgement. After all, this lingo is our shared language that fosters our cultural identity, solidarity, and sense of community.
