Sex is one of those loaded topics that incites a lot of different opinions. It doesn’t help that there are centuries of religious and cultural stigma attached to it and very little objective education. What the adults in our life taught us about sex is hardly the reality we experienced. So as we matured, we have each moulded our own unique relationship with sex and sexuality.
Put it in neutral
The truth is that, stripped of its biases, sex is neither good or bad. It is a neutral experience.
The way you think about something will determine your experience of it and sex is no different. Applying labels such as good/bad, right/wrong, hot/not is merely a projection of our own beliefs and attitudes. Sex can be anything from a means of love and connection to a means of exploitation and oppression. The determining factor isn’t the act itself but the person(s) engaging in it.
My attitude towards sex
I enjoy sex. Whether it’s an expression of intimacy in a loving relationship or in the shadows of a dark alley with a stranger, I like that there are many ways to experiment with it. There are periods where I am more sexually active than others and I enjoy different kinds of sex with different kinds of people in different kinds of places. I don’t subscribe to the one-size-fits-all mentality of what sex should or shouldn’t be. And I have no shame in talking about sex because I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of.
How much is too much?
But I didn’t always feel that way. First as an adolescent, I had to get over the shame of my a sexual desire for men. Then, given the cultural taboos around sex, there were times where I questioned my enjoyment of it: Is it too much? Do I have an addiction or is this a healthy sexual appetite? What is a healthy sexual appetite anyway and who decides that?
So I am sharing this based on my foray into the topic of sex addiction. There is a lot of information out there and a lot of controversy surrounds the diagnosis of ‘sex addiction’ so I have hand-picked a selection of four myths and four truths that were consistent in my research:
The myths & truths of sex addiction
| Myth | Truth |
| If you have many different sexual partners, you’re a sex addict. | On its own, the number of sexual partners a person has does not determine whether they are an addict. Don’t let anyone project their moral judgment onto your sex life. You don’t have to accept that. |
| Engaging in non-traditional ‘fetish-style’ sex makes you a sex addict. | The type of sex you have does not constitute a sex addiction. So you can enjoy cruising, anonymous sex, public sex, group sex, and other kinds of fetish sex without worry that something is ‘wrong’ with you. |
| Sex addiction isn’t a real addiction. | The latest research suggests that the same reward system in the brain is activated during sex addiction as with other addictions. However, sex addiction is not listed in the DSM-5 as a behavioural addiction. Medical experts can’t seem to agree on this because behavioural addictions are not as clear cut as substance addictions. As a result, diagnostic criteria for sex addiction tends to be vague and subjective. Nonetheless, psychology and counselling professionals do provide support and services in this field. |
| That’s just what gay men do | While it is true that mainstream gay urban culture can be highly sexual, gay men are not more sexual as a result of our orientation. Straight men and women also enjoy casual sex, hooking up, group sex, and fetish sex. The difference is that the gay community has historically been more accepting of this compared to our hetero friends. Simply put, it’s more the result of our culture than our DNA. |
How do you determine what constitutes a sex addiction without clouding that decision with subjective moral judgments?
So when is it an addiction?
So how do you know when you’ve crossed the line into addiction? It boils down to choosing to seek and engage in sexual behaviour even though you know it is harmful. “Sexual behaviour” and “harmful” are the operative words of course and this is where opinions diverge.
Note that harmful doesn’t mean feeling guilty or ashamed, because that may be a result of your past conditioning where there was probably a lot of guilt and shame around the topic of sex.
- You consistently put your health and the health of your sexual partners in jeopardy
- You lie about and cover up your sexual behaviours
- Engaging in sexual behaviour interferes with your daily life and relationships
- Despite wanting to, you are unable to stop or control your sexual urges
My opinion on sex addiction
While I agree that behaviour addictions exist, I wouldn’t be so quick to label anyone as a sex addict. Especially because unlike other behavioural addictions such as shopping and gambling, sex is a very natural and necessary human function. Enjoying sexual activity is not a sign of sex addiction. How do you determine what constitutes an addiction without clouding that decision with subjective moral judgements? Even people far more qualified than I have yet to find consensus on this.
To thine own self be true
At the end of the day, only you know whether or not your sexual behaviour is harmful. Here are some questions you can ask yourself that can help clarify that:
- Why do I engage in sexual behaviour?
- How do I feel after the orgasm high wears off?
- What are the physical and psychological consequences of my sexual activity?
- How difficult would it be for me to stop having sex if I had to?
- Is this preventing me from achieving any of my goals?
- Is my sexual behaviour negatively impacting my personal or professional life?
Be honest with yourself when answering these questions. Don’t let others project their bias onto your sex life. Omit the “should” and “shouldn’t” language and tap into your authentic self with an attitude of non-judgemental curiosity.
Talk it out
Even in 2019 there’s still a lot of taboo around sex. In the gay community, slut shaming and moral righteousness pervade a lot of these conversations that should be objective- especially if you’re seriously concerned about your well-being.
Fortunately, there are plenty of great resources out there, some of which I have linked in this post. It may also help to talk it out with a trusted friend or medical professional. Having spent a considerable amount of time researching this topic, I would be happy to connect with you to further discuss this or any other wellness questions.
Resources
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
