Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with luck
Traditional wisdom tells us that if you’re relatively attractive and have a charming personality, it should be easy enough to find love- especially in the connected world of social media and dating apps. Yet we all know people who are attractive and fabulous and yet can’t seem to find that elusive partner they so desire. In fact, you may be one of them.
There are a lot of external factors- those things we can’t control- to consider when it comes to success in finding love, but here I offer 5 reasons that are within your control:
1. You’re playing the blame game
This is for all the guys who blame everything and everyone else: “Everyone in this city is just looking for sex,” “the app’s algorithms don’t work,” “gays don’t know how to be in healthy relationships.” None of this is true. The one thing these excuses have in common: a shitty attitude.
What’s happening here is you’re stuck knee-deep in victim mentality. You know you’re in victim mode when you are telling a story where someone else (the villain) has done something to you. And before you get defensive about it – the telltale sign of victim mentality- I don’t care if your best friend, your hair stylist, and your mother all agree with you- you’re still delegating your emotional well being to somebody else.
It is your responsibility to determine how you react to the perceived injustices against you. You can take it personally and play the victim card. Or you can choose the more empowering stance that what people say and do has nothing to do with you.
So quit blaming everyone else, take back your power and while you’re at it, start telling a different story. Speaking of which…
2. You’re telling the wrong story
We tell stories all day long. All of our self-talk, our ideas about our past, our lives, our personality traits are stories we tell ourselves. We tend to believe that these stories are true, but in fact we have the choice to tell a different story. For example, when Aunt Flo asks about your love life, you respond with:
I’m still single and the last guy I really liked was two years ago and he ended up dumping me for my neighbour- who I also used to date. Now they’re engaged and have a poodle named Cher that I follow on Instagram. Just goes to prove that all the good ones are taken. Guys in the city are so superficial and I don’t have time to be a gym rat or have money for botox. I guess I’ll just be alone in my basement apartment for the rest of my life. Wanna grab a tub of ice cream and get fat with me?
Womp womp. Snooze. Unsubscribe. This is not a story that you’re going to attract someone with. Attitude really is everything. The way you look at any given situation directly determines the outcome of that situation. Let that sink in. When you view your love life negatively, your experience of it will be negative. So try this as an alternative:
You know Aunt Flo, I haven’t met anyone super exciting yet but I have gone on dates with some decent guys, they just aren’t necessarily the right ones for me. I want someone who makes my heart flutter and I’m willing to wait for that. It’s all good though; I’m in no hurry and I’ve been able to focus on writing that screenplay I’ve always had in mind. I’ve been in love before and it gives me hope that it will come along when the time is right.
Boom. This story is optimistic and exudes a peaceful confidence; you know what you want and you’re okay waiting for it. The same circumstance can bring two totally different reactions. The difference is your attitude. And since we know that what goes on inside manifests on the outside, having a genuine belief and faith in the outcome will inevitably bring forth the partner you desire.
3. You’re more into the game than you are the result
It looks like this: you find it easy to meet new people. You enjoy dating, whether it’s a one-time hook up or something more substantial. You get excited about the social aspects of dating: meeting new people, going to chic bars, socializing, and the sex. Maybe you juggle multiple guys at once rather than focus on one at a time. You enjoy sharing the tales of your dating adventures with friends. When you meet someone with potential, it’s exciting at first, but then the novelty seems to wear off and you want to get back into the dating pool to try again. You feel this way because you don’t want to waste time when you could potentially be missing out on something else. Totally reasonable.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may think you want a relationship, but what you’re actually pursuing is the benefits of being an eligible bachelor- and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Get clear on your intentions: if you want to build an intimate, lasting relationship, you need to realize that chasing the next piece of ass when the novelty wears off is not going to get you there. If you love having dates and dick appointments seven days a week, then so be it- but don’t lead yourself and everyone else on about your intentions.
4. You’re stuck on repeat
You go to the same bars on the same days with the same people. When you’re there, you stick to the same clique and you don’t venture off into the crowd. You take the same route to work and you go to the same gym at the same time.
While a routine lifestyle has some benefits, it does little for getting out of the comfort zone of your bubble. Changing things up, even on a small scale, brings opportunities for someone new to show up in your life. Go to a different gym, enroll in a sports league, or sign up for an art class. When you’re out with friends, take time to interact outside of your social circle. Chances are others are looking too, so be receptive to friendly gazes and don’t be afraid to leave the pack behind. When you’re constantly surrounded by your friends, people will find it harder to reach out to you.
5. You’re sabotaging yourself
No one wants to believe that they self-sabotage and yet it happens not just in love, but in all areas of our lives. More on that in a future post. For now though, self-sabotage can look like this:
Things are going well. You’ve been on some amazing dates, sleep overs have been easy, the sex is fantastic, he’s met your friends, and you just know your mother is going to love him. You can already imagine a his-and-his sink and a California King in your future.
But in the dark corners of your subconscious, something dubious is happening. This level of hope and happiness is new territory, so your subconscious will try to keep you in your comfort zone. You see, your comfort zone knows how to be single, but it doesn’t know how to be in a successful relationship. So you will find ways to sabotage the relationship. For example, you make a big deal of small things, that leads to bigger conflicts, and it all starts to fall apart. Faced with up-leveling to a new state of romantic bliss, you panic, mostly because you’re afraid that you don’t have what it takes to succeed.
Final thoughts
Get clear on what you actually want. If you are sure that you’re ready for a relationship, get your mind sorted. Be excited for the possibilities, tell the ‘love-is-all-around’ story, get out of your comfort zone, and when it finally happens, don’t let your inner saboteur fuck it up.
I’ll be posting more on this as I’ve had a thousand a-ha moments while writing it. If you want to dig deeper on this, or any other topics, subscribe below and let’s stay in touch.
