Wouldn’t it be great if you never had to ask for what you want?
Imagine if everyone in your life could anticipate your every desire, saving you the hassle of having to ask.
Unfortunately, for a lot of people, the simple matter of asking creates an inner turmoil that severely impedes their ability to thrive in their careers and relationships. Over time, it erodes self-esteem because the message we send to ourselves is “my wants are not worthy.” When this belief system becomes a pattern, the deeper message really is “I am not worthy.”
Asking for what you want is not about being selfish or arrogant. It’s about advocating for yourself. Just as it’s healthy to set boundaries so that you can protect yourself, it’s healthy to advocate for yourself.
But why is this so difficult to ask for what we want? I boiled it down to 5 of the most common reasons:
1. You don’t actually know what you want
If you can’t identify what you want, how can you ask for it? Ever felt ‘off’ but not know why? Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the exact source of your discontent, or there is a mishmash of emotions that is hard to untangle. The skill of self-awareness helps with this. During 1-on-1 sessions, I will ask questions that can help my client identify what exactly they want. Alternatively, you can use journaling to reveal the contents of your mind.
Another flavour of this is not knowing what options are available to you. If you don’t know there’s ‘more’ out there, you won’t ask for it.
2. You don’t believe you’ll get it
If you think that your ask will be met with a ‘no’, then why bother asking? This is a killer of dreams. One of the biggest regrets people have is wishing they had taken a chance: “If only I had just asked for the raise…” or “I wish I just asked for his number when I had the chance…”
In my corporate days, I used to dream of taking a leave of absence to travel, but I was afraid my request would be career suicide. After years of hesitating, I mustered up the courage to ask. The result: I took 2 months unpaid leave to travel around Southeast Asia. The following year, I got promoted.
All I had to do was ask… 😊
3. You think you shouldn’t have to
People can’t read your mind. You may say “but I’ve given enough hints, I shouldn’t have to ask…” Yes, you should. Your needs and wants are your responsibility, not anyone else’s. No one is coming to wave a wand and magically give you what you want. Hoping and waiting around for people to give you want you want is both futile and incredibly frustrating.
While it’s true that the people closest to you may know what you want, that doesn’t always mean they’re going to give it to you 100% of the time. Expecting them to just “know” will only lead to resentment.
4. You think it’s inappropriate
If you were raised in a household that put a high value on accepting authority and maintaining the status quo, it will feel selfish to ask for what you want. In this culture, it’s seen as more virtuous to suffer in silence than to speak up for your desires.
Notice your own thoughts about people who seem to effortlessly ask for what they want. Do you consider them ‘rude’ or ‘aggressive’ or ‘arrogant’ for advocating for their wants? If so, you will probably shy away from asking for what you want because it would challenge your self-concept as a ‘good’ person.
5. You don’t believe you deserve it
This one runs deep and it often subconscious, but I see it over and over again with my clients. If there’s a part of you that believes you’re not worthy of getting what you want, you won’t bother asking for it. This is called settling. It seems harmless, but over time it kills your self-esteem and creates a plethora of issues including resentment, apathy, and self-pity.
It may not even be within your conscious awareness that this limiting belief is pulling the strings in your mind. Life’s possibilities open up for you once you can break through the invisible ceiling you’ve set for yourself. First, you need to identify your blind spot.
Coping mechanisms
Unfortunately, not asking for what you want doesn’t make the desire disappear. Instead, you may develop coping mechanisms to “get around” it. Some of the more common ones are:
- Beating around the bush. Hinting at your desire, but not actually directly saying it, hoping instead that someone will come to your rescue and give you want you want.
- Taking it. Instead of facing the discomfort of asking, you just take it without asking, and then have to deal with the messy consequences of it later.
- Using others to get it. Riding on the coattails of someone else who shares your desire, or who is willing to ask on your behalf.
- Martyrdom. Believing that you are somehow morally superior for “suffering” without it, and then lashing out at the ‘selfishness’ of others who ask for it (and get it).
- Shutting down. Instead of asking for what you want, you learn to just shut down your desires altogether.
Self-advocacy
If any of the above resonates with you, you’re not alone.
The solution is to develop the skill of self-advocacy: your ability to clearly and calmly communicate your needs and wants.
This is a skill I love to teach because I used to be the guy who would seethe in silence, resenting other people who got what they wanted while I sat around hoping someone would magically swoop down and hand me what I want.
Developing self-advocacy in my own life has been a game-changer. I don’t settle for less in my relationships, and I am constantly amazed at how many more possibilities are out there simply because I’m curious enough to ask. Most of the time, I get what I ask for. And when I don’t, it doesn’t throw me into an emotional tailspin. I can accept it and move on.
Try asking for what you want this week by starting small, such as asking for better table at a restaurant or asking your partner if he can take care of dinner one night. Notice any resistance or discomfort that shows up as you do this. What are your narratives around asking for what you want? What are your coping mechanisms?
A pillar of authentic self-confidence is the ability to advocate for yourself. If this has been a challenge for you, 1-on-1 coaching allows us to reveal your beliefs, identify blind spots, and begin to shift them by taking tangible steps towards a more empowered state of being.
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