As we approach the New Year, New Me phase, I’m here to remind you that unless you change your mindset, there’s a good chance you’re going to end up being the same old you. That’s because you can’t change a habit from the same mind that created it.
I think it’s more effective to clear the mental cobwebs that are holding us back. This inherently makes room for more useful thought patterns and habits to emerge.
To that end, here are 6 common mental cobwebs that keep us stuck and prevent us from soaring.
Focus on the future
Imagine 2020 as a road trip and you’re the driver. How much time do you want to spend looking in the rear view mirror? Do you want your GPS focused on where you were or where you’re heading?
We have a natural tendency to focus on the past. After all, it feels real and tangible because of our vivid memories of it. As compelling as it is, it’s over. The pages are already written. There’s nothing you can do there besides relive it in your mind. The more we do that, the more we recreate it- like a hamster in a wheel wondering why it’s moving but nothing seems to be changing.
The future, on the other hand, is unknown and may bring up anxiety or worry for some of us. Just like the past, the future only exists in our minds. The difference is those pages are blank, and so we can influence the way they are written.
Yes, the future is uncertain. But it also opens our minds to the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead.
Listen to yourself
It’s natural that we don’t want to face things like fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, and frustration. They feel like shit- and they’re supposed to.
We have this tendency to think we should be happy all the time. After all, everyone on social media is happy all the time so clearly we should be too, right? That’s the story we tell ourselves
But it is a false story.
Negative emotion is an innate part of the human experience and no one gets a pass. One of the things I love about coaching is helping clients process these emotions. The goal isn’t to make them disappear, it is to allow them, sit with them, and listen to them.
Negative emotion is our brain’s way of drawing attention to something we need to work on. By distracting ourselves and resisting these emotions, we ignore the opportunity to evolve into a more mentally and emotionally mature version of ourselves.
We rise by lifting others
People pleasing is tricky because on the surface, it looks like kindness towards others. But when you dig deeper, it’s an attempt to gain approval and validation. It is ego-based and comes from a place of insecurity and a lack of self-worth.
There’s a difference between being of service and people pleasing. Being of service comes from a place of inner abundance. It is about wanting to share your innate gifts with the intention of serving something greater than your ego such as another person, a community, or society. Of course, accolades and praise are a standard byproduct of this service, but it is not the reason for which we do it. Using our natural gifts to serve others has been scientifically proven to increase our sense of happiness, connectedness, and joy.
Failure paves the road to success
One of the great tragedies of our education system is how we’re taught not to fail. At a young age, we are indoctrinated with the belief that failure is reflection of our worth and therefore should be avoided at all costs. But the opposite is true.
Failure is a skill that we develop on the road to success.
People who live their lives in fear of failure tend to feel apathetic because they’re afraid of putting themselves out there. So they don’t even bother trying. The fear of failure is common and comes from the fact that we think it means we’re not good or talented or strong enough.
Instead, re-frame what failure means. Use it as a tool of self-compassion instead of self-loathing. First of all, be kind to yourself. We’re all a work in progress and everybody fails. Failure doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it means you’re learning and growing and you need more practice. So use the failure to your advantage and ask yourself “what can I do better next time?”
Let go of ego
I know this is a tough sell. We love being right because it affirms our sense of self-worth to have our opinions justified and validated. But sometimes we spend an overwhelming amount of mental energy trying to convince others that we’re right. There is an innate skill in knowing when to choose peace of mind over the need to be right. The need to be right is what has led humanity to some of our most brutal acts of hatred, violence, and warfare.
I’m not saying we should give up standing up for ourselves or setting boundaries, two things I fully support. But there’s a difference between expressing yourself and the need to control or dominate someone else’s beliefs. The latter is an attachment to our egos where we lose our peace of mind in the process.
If you truly value peace and happiness, when you encounter someone with a different opinion, notice if you compulsively derail these values by getting overly attached to your beliefs and your need to be right.
Allow yourself to be guided
This one is for those of us who love to set goals and put all of our effort, willpower and action towards achieving them. Eventually, we often feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. This is a byproduct of struggling.
When it comes to goals, it’s hard for high achievers to learn the concept of surrender. Our culture associates surrender with weakness but in fact, it takes courage to surrender. There comes a time when you’ve done all your can do and paradoxically, the only course of action is to surrender the outcome.
When we do so, we let go of our preconceived notion of what ‘should’ be and open up a willingness to be guided in another direction. When we think we have everything figured out, we’re not teachable. Genuine insight and solutions can’t come to a mind that’s not open to receive it because it’s already full with what it thinks is the only right way.
There are many paths to the same door and surrender is the process of emptying the mind of what you think is the right way and allowing for an alternative option to emerge.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
