Let’s face it—building a solid, lasting friendship in adulthood isn’t easy.
We don’t have the built-in structure of school or activities that naturally bring people together. Add in the fact that so many of us are working from home now, and it feels like there are fewer chances to even leave the house.
More isolation, fewer connections
On top of that, apps and social media keep people glued to their screens, giving the illusion of connection but not always leading to the real friendships we crave.
I repeat this often: apps are a tool to facilitate connection, but should not replace connection.
Ironically, many of my clients who struggle to forge friendships live in big cities with a multitude of gay-friendly people and events.
Maybe it’s because we’re growing more impatient as a society, or because we’re used to getting our needs met instantly these days, but I’ve noticed a trend lately: people want to have a best friend immediately, as if life were some kind of Hollywood movie where deep bonds are formed overnight.
The slow burn
This isn’t grade school anymore, where we had endless time on our hands, waiting for the end of the school day. We’re adults now—we have responsibilities, jobs, other interests, and not to mention, some baggage from previous friendships we might be lugging around.
But the truth is, friendships in adulthood grow slowly. They deepen over time, without rushing.
Here’s what that can look like:
- Taking it slow: No need to rush. The best friendships often grow gradually, with steady trust and comfort building over little micro bonds.
- Balanced (but not necessarily equal) effort: When both people show up with energy and desire, it creates harmony. This doesn’t mean that it’s always 50/50 though; it’s okay if sometimes you need to take initiative more than the other person- as long as that effort is acknowledged.
- Let people be who they are: Authenticity is the key to deeper connections. We love being around people who allow us to simply be who we are without judgment.
- Respect boundaries: Healthy friendships don’t feel suffocating— it’s okay to say no sometimes and ask for space when needed.
- Trust grows over time: Trust doesn’t happen overnight. What helps build trust is sharing personal stories and being vulnerable – but in a way that is natural and comfortable, not rushed or forced.
- Patience pays off: The best connections unfold when there’s no rush to define things or make them more intense too soon. Let things progress organically when it feels right.
- Shared fun: And of course, friendships are meant to be fun! Do things together. Get off your phones and into the world. Enjoy new experiences together, and don’t take it all too seriously. Being able to laugh at yourself and your awkward moments is endearing.
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Friendships that settle in this way have a unique magic to them—they aren’t built on pressure or need, but on mutual respect, ease, and shared laughs. And in my experience, those are the ones that last.
If you’re feeling stuck in how to connect with others and creating friendships that last, coaching might be what helps you make the changes needed to have the fulfilling life you desire. If you want to learn with other like-minded men then check out group coaching options too, we talk about everything from internalized shame to sexual empowerment and more!
Want support in figuring out your next move? That’s what I’m here for. Book a free call with me, no strings attached, and let’s uncover the blocks in your life.
