I often remind my clients that the people in our lives are not good or bad; they’re neutral. It’s only when we start having opinions about them that we put labels on them.
But lately, I’ve been reminded that just because we can change our opinions doesn’t always mean we should.
There are some situations when the mindset work is simply too emotionally draining. In those cases, you’re not growing, you’re just taking on unnecessary mental stress and draining your energy.
A simple example: Winter
Let’s zoom out for a sec and look at a simple example like winter.
Winter is neutral. It’s neither good nor bad. It just is.
Your opinion about winter may be that it’s too long, too dark, and too dreary.
Another person may think it’s cozy, comfortable, and beautiful.
Both are right.
I’m definitely in the first camp. Every year, I do my best to make peace with the long, grey Canadian cold. Some years, I even succeed in finding little things to love about it and reasons to be grateful for the stillness it brings.
But it takes me a lot of mental effort to do so.
Or—I could simply book a flight to Mexico when it starts to feel too much and step into sunshine, colour, and warmth.
No mental gymnastics required.
Sure, sticking through it and doing the mindset work will help me become resilient… but do I really want to?
Sometimes the work is to step back
The same applies to people in our lives.
Recently, I found myself trying to improve my mindset about a relationship in my life that had become more painful than peaceful.
I didn’t want to feel angry anymore and was working overtime to re-wire my beliefs so I could feel better about it. But then I realized I wasn’t ready to feel okay. Because deep down, there was real pain, and the healthiest choice for me wasn’t to keep trying reframing it- it was to step back and just let myself be angry… at least for now.
Choosing peace over persistence
A common misconception about coaching is that it’s always about pushing yourself harder to change your mindset.
But sometimes the answer is simply giving yourself permission to stop trying so hard to make something feel better than it is- and finding what truly supports your peace of mind.
Maybe it’s a temporary pause, maybe it’s a goodbye. Either way, it’s an act of true self-respect to know when to give up the struggle.
If this tension feels familiar, I’m here to help you recognize the fine line between doing the work, and when peace is the wiser path. Book some time with me here.
If you want to explore how you can make meaningful change in your life, consider taking my 360° Self-Review. It’s free and is designed for thoughtful gay men who want to feel emotionally grounded, clear-minded, and intentional as they move through life.
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