Do you ever find yourself only chasing a certain type?
Straight guys.
Black guys.
Daddies. Twinks. Jocks. Bears.
Emotionally unavailable “maybe he’s curious” masc bros?
If you notice trends and patterns of the types of guys you find yourself in bed with… you’re not alone.
Now, are you just attracted to this type of person? Or are you changing yourself, even little things, to match with these people?
Let’s talk fetishization—the kind that sounds like a preference, but acts more like objectification.
What exactly is fetishization?
Simply put, it is the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on some aspect of their identity.
It’s reducing someone to a category: age, race, body part, or other aspect of their identity and seeing them solely as a fantasy, not a full human.
I’ve been there, especially in my early days freshly out of the closet.
An undeniable situation for many queer, bi, and gay men is the very real taste for straight guys.
Attraction to straight guys is a loaded topic which we won’t get into today (you can listen to the podcast episode if you’re curious).
When I was younger, I used to obsess over them. I didn’t care who they were as people. Whether they were interested, available, or even remotely compatible; it didn’t matter.
The tricky thing about fetishizing is that it hides under the mask of “preference.”
But when you only want someone because they’re unattainable, or hyper-masc, or straight, or whatever the category is, it’s not really about them, it’s about what they represent to you.
Attraction isn’t neutral. It’s shaped by culture, upbringing, media, trauma, and experience. So the real question isn’t “Do I have preferences?” because we all do. The question is: Where do they come from? And what are they doing to the people I date or desire?
So how do you know if it’s a fetish?
That’s the million dollar question.
Of course, we all have unique attractions, tastes, and preferences and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Ask yourself:
- Would I still be into him if he wasn’t [insert trait]?
- Am I chasing the person or the fantasy?
- Do I actually want him… or what he represents to me?
Isn’t that just a kink?
Maybe, but the difference is that kinks are conscious. Fetishization is often unconscious and rooted in power, control, or stereotypes.
You can be kinky without being dehumanizing.
But if they like it… is it still fetishizing?
Technically yes, because fetishization is about your motivations, not theirs.
But if:
- they’re aware of it,
- they’re into it,
- and you’re both consenting adults engaging consciously…
Then it starts to look more like a kink or roleplay dynamic, less in the realm of harmful fetishization. Here’s how I like to break it down:
- Kink = Conscious, consensual, and negotiated. It’s an activity or dynamic you engage in, not a category of person you exclusively desire.
- Fetishization = Often unconscious, one-sided, and rooted in a stereotype or identity (race, age, body type, etc.).
Breaking it down
Preference: A natural attraction or pattern. It’s flexible, human, and doesn’t reduce someone to one trait.
💬 “I tend to be attracted to older guys.”
Kink: A consensual sexual interest, behaviour, or roleplay that turns you on. It’s intentional, negotiated, and often part of play, rather than identity.
💬 “I’m into roleplay where I pretend to be seduced by a straight guy.”
Fetishization: When someone is desired only or primarily because of a trait tied to their identity (race, gender, body type, orientation, etc.) in a way that strips away humanity and replaces it with stereotypes.
💬 “I only date Black guys because they’re more dominant.”
Preference vs. Fetishization
The difference between preference and fetishization comes down to two things: intention and awareness.
If you’re aware of the dynamic, willing to question it, and see the person as a whole, you’re likely navigating a preference.
If you’re unaware, repeating the same pattern, or speaking in generalizations about a group, you’re likely crossing into fetish territory.
| Preference | Fetishization | |
|---|---|---|
| Definition | A natural, flexible attraction to a trait | A rigid desire based solely on someone’s identity |
| Focus | The whole person | The trait or category they represent |
| Example | “I tend to like Latino guys” | “Latino guys are so spicy and passionate in bed” |
| Power | Balanced | Often includes imbalance or projection |
| Impact | Humanizing | Dehumanizing or flattening |
Final thoughts
This stuff is tricky. It’s easy to question your own attractions and motivations. Sometimes we wade into fetishization without realizing it because it isn’t always obvious.
The line between preference, kink, and fetish can get blurry.
But I’m not here to shame you into being perfect. I just want to bring awareness to this quietly controversial topic. Because when you know better, you do better. This is why self-reflection matters most.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- Do I consistently chase people who share one trait?
- Do I assume certain things about someone based on that trait?
- Would I still be into them if that trait wasn’t there?
- Have I ever talked with someone about how that trait plays into our dynamic?
You don’t have to shame yourself for having preferences, but it serves you to be curious about them. That’s how you grow.
Curious about your own patterns? That’s exactly the kind of stuff I coach on: sexuality, identity, intimacy, and everything in between. If you’re ready for real talk with zero judgement, let’s connect.
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