Does this sound familiar?

You do or say something wrong (or you think you did)
You start overanalyzing it
You feel sick in your stomach
You beating yourself up about it even more
You get quiet and withdraw
You feel worse

If you’re nodding along… I totally get it. This, my friend, is called a shame spiral.

Let’s break it down:

The 5 Stages of a Shame Spiral

1. Triggering Event

It starts with something small—criticism, rejection, failure, embarrassment. It could even be imagined, like a look someone gave you or the tone of a text.

2. Shame Washes Over

You feel exposed. Small. Embarrassed. It hits you in the body: tight chest, red face, racing thoughts, a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

3. Negative Self-Talk

You pile on the self-blame and your inner critic shows up to harshly berate you.

“Why am I like this?”
“Of course I screwed it up.”
“No one likes me anyway.”

4. Avoidance & Isolation

In an attempt to escape the shame, you ghost people. Cancel plans. Scroll mindlessly. You want to disappear because the shame is too much to face.

5. Reinforced Shame

Shame grows in silence. So now you feel ashamed for withdrawing or for being so “sensitive.” And so the cycle starts again…

Let’s Talk About It

Shame feeds on silence, secrecy, and self-judgement. And it hates being seen with kindness and compassion.

Most of us were never taught how to work with shame. We just learned to hide it, stuff it down, or punish ourselves for it.

But you don’t have to stay stuck in a shame spiral.

5 Ways to Interrupt a Shame Spiral

These aren’t magic fixes, but they are a good start to building emotional resilience and self-compassion.

Name it
“This is shame.” Literally say it out loud. Naming it gives you a moment of separation from the emotion. Avoiding or denying it only makes it worse.
Track the trigger
What happened right before the spiral? Be curious, not critical. Understanding the root can help you deal with it.
Speak to yourself like a friend
If your best friend came to you with this, what would you say? Say that to yourself. Remember: everyone feels shame.
Talk about it
Shame thrives in secrecy. Share your feelings with a trusted friend. If that’s not possible, journal about it. Talking about your shame reduces its hold over you.
Interrupt the pattern
Do one small thing that reminds you you’re in control: journal, stretch, take a shower, go for a walk, pet your dog, breathe.

A Reminder

This is deep, difficult work. Shame spirals are often rooted in childhood wounds, identity formation, and internalized beliefs.

That’s why exploring shame in therapy, or coaching is often the most effective way to explore this in a safe, supportive container.

But if you’re not ready for that yet, start here. Practice. Be gentle with yourself. Repetition builds the muscle. If you want private support along the way, let me know by booking a discovery session for free —let’s create change in your life together.

And remember: We all experience shame spirals from time to time. You’re not broken. You’re human.

If this message resonated with you, I think this episode of the Gay Men Going Deeper podcast will connect with you too. Grab your favourite drink and take a watch/listen below.

Bonus! If you’re wanting to go even deeper on this topic I’ve got a digital learning opportunity for you; check out this Healing Your Shame course.