The #1 Thing I Wish Was Taught Growing Up

Here’s a $10,000 coaching term you’ll never use at brunch: emotional regulation. It’s the skill of managing your emotions without letting them run your life.

There are two main ways we do this:

1. Self-regulation
2. Co-regulation

Self-regulation basically means calming yourself down when you’re stressed or hyped up. For example: meditation, journaling, going for a walk, or deep breathing in the bathroom stall before a date.

Co-regulation is when someone else helps settle your nervous system just by being with you. For example: a friend who talks you off the ledge, a comforting hug, or your dog flopping on your lap when you’re stressed.

Both are healthy. Both are necessary.

But most of us lean heavily on one method at the expense of the other:

• Strong self-regulators are more likely to exhibit lone wolf tendencies: trying to handle everything yourself without relying on anyone else.
• If you tend toward co-regulation, you may be an emotional octopus: wrapping yourself around others to feel safe without learning to support yourself.

Ideally, you want to be skilled at both. Emotional intelligence is knowing when to stand on your own and when to let someone support you.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters:

Yes, this is psychology jargon, but I’m sharing it with you because it’s a daily-life superpower that you can learn at any age. If you don’t know how to regulate your emotions, they will wreak havoc on your life:

• You’ll snap at people you love
• You’ll shut down when you need connection the most
• You’ll push people away by being too clingy
• You’ll burn out

This is something I coach regularly. Most of the problems people come to me with trace back to not knowing how to self-regulate or co-regulate. Once you learn both, your problems become a lot easier to work through.

• Self-regulation keeps you grounded within.
• Co-regulation keeps you connected to others.

Together, they make your life (and relationships) a whole lot less chaotic.

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