People are allowed to believe whatever they want and have their own opinions. Free will is a tenet of our human existence. This creates a breeding ground for disagreement: we’re all allowed to have our opinions and inevitably they will clash.
Our minds are designed to evaluate and judge things as right/wrong, good/bad, etc. But things start to get messy when we don’t allow people to have their opinions and try to impose our opinions on them – because naturally we’re right, and they’re wrong.
Your need to be right is causing you to suffer.
Intolerance
Our society has created an intolerance for anything we don’t agree with. We are quick to judge people’s opinions as wrong and then immediately want to eliminate them. This creates anger, frustration, and even rage. We all have opinions, but our intolerance for others’ opinions creates unnecessary escalation that causes both parties to suffer. Then we wonder how the world got so divisive.
Your need to be right is causing you to suffer.
Fortunately, you can be present with someone and listen to them without activating that need to push it away.
Listen without Judgment
For many, this seems like an impossible task. But if you practice any kind of mindfulness technique, you’re already on the way there. The gist of it is that you can listen to someone say things that you find hateful or wrong, without reacting to it. You can simply choose to just listen without judgment. Admittedly, this is a skill that takes practice.
Reminder: listening to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them.
You always have a choice. You can choose to react and freak out and try to change their mind, or you choose to let them speak and even be curious about their point of view. And then disagree anyway.
When we learn how to peacefully disagree, two big shifts happen:
- You’ll feel okay about disagreeing. Disagreement doesn’t need to evoke anger. It can be a neutral experience.
- An opportunity for connection is created. When you approach disagreement from a place of curiosity and understanding without the need to be right, you can more easily find commonality at a human level.
If the disagreement is in the form of a negotiation or mediation, both parties will have an easier time reaching a compromise and resolution.
Friendship & Connection
When it comes to personal attacks, this can be even more challenging. When this happens in my life, I try to listen to my inner defensive, angry thoughts and then depending on the situation, ask myself “how do I want to express this and is it going to contribute to the outcome I desire?” Easier said than done, believe me. But a moment of mindfulness can save you from years of regret.
It’s not a bad thing to feel defensive or angry. I’m simply suggesting that before we give into the automatic urge to react, we create a mental space from which we can choose a more mindful response. Something like: “I disagree with you, but I hear you.”
Some people in your life are just looking for an excuse to argue. An added bonus of this response is that it deflates their momentum. Often, they want you to react so it justifies their reaction. It’s a vicious cycle that results in disconnection.
Final Thoughts
Other people are often hateful, ignorant and just plain wrong. But it’s not our job to change their mind- only they can change their mind. Berating them about how wrong they are and forcing your opinion down their throat likely isn’t the best method. You are more likely to have an influence in this regard by genuinely listening and attempting to understand their point of view- even if you completely disagree with it.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
