Sex and intimacy are not the same thing.
Intimacy is a feeling of closeness, familiarity, and a sense of mutual vulnerability. It is fundamental to our well being as social creatures.
It isn’t constricted to romantic partnerships, but that’s what i’m focusing on for the purpose of this post.
When it comes to relationships, intimacy is usually linked with sex, but it’s important to remember that intimacy doesn’t always have to be physical. It’s possible to experience intimacy with your partner without physical touch whatsoever. But often we overly focus on sex at the expense of acknowledging other the other ways our intimacy needs can be met.
Four types of intimacy
Experts agree that there are different types of intimacy and many ways to slice, dice and label them all. Based on my research, these are the four types that I think covers the spectrum comprehensively and concisely:
- Experiential intimacy – bonding during a joint experience such as traveling together or a home DIY project.
- Emotional intimacy – feeling safe in sharing emotions and being vulnerable with your partner.
- Intellectual intimacy – openly sharing ideas and opinions while allowing room for disagreement without judgement.
- Physical intimacy – feeling safe in giving and receiving physical touch and affection.
Sex is just one slice of physical intimacy, which is just one of four types of overall intimacy. To see examples of 36 different ways to develop intimacy, download a copy of my guide below.
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The unbalanced approach doesn’t work
Often in our desire for intimacy, we put all of our eggs in the sex basket. This is especially common in the gay community where sex is generally easy to find. Since it’s readily available we get good at to the point that it becomes habitual or even addictive. But in doing so, we overlook all of the other ways we can build intimacy in our relationships. Additionally, it puts added pressure on us to seek and engage in sexual activity.
When we think there’s only one source to meet our needs, we become unbalanced and I’ve seen this become a source of contention in gay relationships. Sometimes the answer is simply to develop our muscles in the other forms of intimacy instead of relying on one.
If you’re single, sex doesn’t always feel intimate. Sometimes it can be transactional and casual. There’s nothing wrong with this, but if you are someone who requires an emotional connection to engage in sexual activity, this approach likely won’t serve you. Do the work to understand how and why you engage with sex. Contact me if you’d like some help on this.
There is no intimacy without vulnerability.
Brené brown
The long game
While sex may be the easy option, it doesn’t always meet our needs.
Vulnerability is at the core of intimacy. When we feel safe and secure with someone we love, it is easier to let down our guard and simply be who we are. That consistent exchange between partners is what builds intimacy over the course of a relationship. Building long-term quality intimacy takes time, patience, and communication. This requires trust and vulnerability, two things many people have a hard time with.
To overcome these blocks, you need to have a deeper look at your relationship with intimacy. Sometimes there are past wounds that need to be healed, a fear of rejection that prevents you from connection, or a deeply held belief that you’re not worthy of true intimate relationships. Inevitably, over time this leads to loneliness.
A deeper dive
This concept is covered in greater depth in my self-guided online course, ABCs of Connection:
Connecting with people is hard. No one taught us how to create, nurture, and sustain genuine relationships. This course breaks it down into three foundational life skills: Authenticity, Belonging, and Confidence. By the end, you will know how to connect with others and feel more self-assured doing so.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
