Jealousy and envy often get mixed up because they feel similarly awful. Let’s dissect the difference between jealousy and envy.
A few years ago when I started Wellismo, I stumbled upon a video of a young man on Instagram with genuine eyes and a soothing voice talking about how gay men can practice spirituality into their lives.
He had thousands of followers. At the time, I had less than 100 (and they were mostly my friends)
Immediately, my brain started up with thoughts like:
- He’s doing what I do and he’s doing it better than me
- He’s younger and so much further ahead than me
- He’s so much wiser and more eloquent than me
- He has a huge following. I’m a nobody
- God, I wish I had what he has
This is envy: the terrible feeling that occurs when we want something that someone else has.
Jealousy, on the other hand, occurs when we perceive a threat to a relationship and fear we are losing that person’s attention or affection.
Jealousy vs Envy: Illustrated
When they are problematic
First of all, jealousy and envy are born from thoughts in our mind, similar to the ones I listed above.
It’s quite natural a to think jealous and envious thoughts. We are, after all, socialized human beings sharing a world together. That means we don’t get to monopolize anyone’s time or attention, as much as we secretly want to…
We also must learn how to cope with other people having the things we don’t have and secretly want such as a great body, financial success, or an active social life.
Jealousy and envy are simply part of that process. But these thoughts become problem when you choose to indulge in them and use your energy to justify them.
What to do about jealousy and envy
Ultimately, jealousy is rooted in fear and envy is rooted in scarcity.
The good news is they are both just thoughts.
To diffuse the feelings of jealousy, you must diffuse your fears.
To keep envy in check, you can adopt an abundance mindset that knows there’s more than enough to go around.
Reflection questions:
- What do I have?
- Do I truly believe in myself?
- Am I doing what I need to do to create the life I want?
- What exactly is the source of my jealousy? (i.e. what am I not getting that I want)
You may surprise yourself with what you come up with. Perhaps your envy stems from a lack of belief in your own abilities. Or perhaps the feeling of jealousy is pointing to a lack of emotional intimacy in your relationship.
When I do this work with clients, I help them understand and reveal what jealousy and envy are trying to communicate so that they can take appropriate action. These emotions aren’t always clear, and sometimes an objective third party can reveal any blind spots.
If you would benefit from more personal 1-on-1 guidance, please contact me to learn more or schedule a free 1-on-1 consultation to have a more in-depth discussion.
Jealousy in open relationships
Note: If your jealousy is specific to navigating an open relationship, I have an awesome process that helps you (and your partner) navigate the topsy turvy feelings that often come up in consensual non-monogamy.
Jealousy doesn’t have to be the end of your open relationship; it can be the beginning of a deeper bond with your primary partner. Talk to me to learn more.
Cover photo by Mustafa ezz: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-s-face-638791/
