The unexpected death of a loved one.
A terminal diagnosis.
Losing your job and source of livelihood.
A painful relationship breakdown.
Dark periods in our lives can manifest at any moment and in any number of ways.
Darkness is an inevitable part of life and universal to all of us; it is something we can all relate to at the most basic human level. And yet we tend to spend more time and energy avoiding it rather than simply experiencing it because it induces the most dreadful of emotions such as suffering, despair, and hopelessness.
But what is the spiritual significance of this darkness?
The dark night of the soul
Conventional wisdom says there’s three typical ways to grow our spiritual muscles:
- learning from a spiritual teacher or sage,
- possessing an intrinsic desire to seek out spiritual knowledge,
- or through what is called a dark night of the soul.
While the first two may be preferred, the latter is the most effective. Learning and seeking give you the lesson first, so then you can use life experience to put it into practice.
But a dark night of the soul starts with a final exam you didn’t ask for and then forces you to learn lessons you didn’t want.
Origins and etymology
The term originates from St. John of the Cross, a 16th-century Spanish Catholic monk and poet who was locked in a dungeon for 11 months by his own brotherhood. During imprisonment, all illusions of his mortal life peeled away. Everything that he thought he was up to that point in his life deteriorated until that all he was left with was a deep connection to God.
Over the course of time, the story has been borrowed and re-framed for different purposes. It does not belong to any particular religion and when shorn of its original Catholic language, the term has evolved to mean a long period of darkness, disconnection, and emptiness within one’s soul that eventually causes an internal spiritual transformation.
These days, the term is used more loosely and can be associated with depression. The key difference is that along with the psychological, biological, neurological effects of depression- which should be treated accordingly- there is a deeper spiritual transformation occurring at the same time.
The moral of the dark night of the soul story is that the painful experiences in our lives provide the greatest opportunity for our spiritual growth and maturity.
Hallmarks of a dark night
So how do you know if you’re experiencing a dark night of the soul? It may be ushered in by a traumatic event or tragedy, or sometimes it is a personal internal struggle like coming to terms with your sexuality. Sometimes it’s both. While the term tends to be overused these days, here are some characteristics or phases that I think define a dark night of the soul:
1. Identity crisis
A dark night of the soul has a way of forcing you to question your identity right down to the very core. You’re being shown that you’re not who you think you are. Instead, it reveals truths about yourself that you don’t necessarily like or want to see. It cracks you wide open and forces you to question the very nature of who you are.
2. Shattered belief systems
Experiencing a dark night of the soul changes you at a fundamental level. It has a long-lasting and far-reaching impact to your beliefs, perceptions, and the way you experience life. Even your definition of life itself may change. The strongly held beliefs that you identified with previously will crumble and leave you feeling disoriented. It is an uncomfortable shedding of the skin that had defined you up until this point.
3. Withdrawing
A dark night of the soul is the spiritual equivalent of the caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Part of that transformation is retreating into a protective cocoon or chrysalis. In these times, you may find yourself withdrawing from life, perhaps distracting yourself with things that numb the pain. However, successfully navigating the dark night requires honest introspection, contemplation, and quiet time. This is a good time to meditate, journal, and seek resources- including people- that can help understand the profound nature of what you’re going through.
4. Transformation
As you come out of the cocoon, you will begin to experience life from a whole new perspective. You will see things that you were blind to before. You will make connections and see patterns in your life that will help illuminate your path forward. New people and experiences will show up to help guide you along the journey. You will see yourself and the world around you in a whole new light.
My dark night…
Sometimes a dark night of the soul is what forces someone onto a spiritual path in the first place. That was my experience after a severe and unexpected break up in 2014. For almost a year, I felt like my world had turned upside down. I had been through breakups before, but this was a whole new level. My usual support systems didn’t have the same impact and my standard coping mechanisms were sterile. I always considered myself mentally and emotionally strong, but this was something I couldn’t seem to recover from. Never had I felt so lost, alone, and hopeless.
I was forced to see a side of myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge. I had lost my trademark confidence and enthusiasm. Instead, I saw a part of me that was deeply co-dependent and insecure- traits I would never have used to describe myself. I temporarily withdrew from life until a series of serendipitous events got me onto a path where, with the help of my loved ones, I was able slowly dig myself out.
The solution to my problem was at a deeper soul level, and not at the mental or physical level where I was looking for it. It wasn’t until I acknowledged that I was more than just my body and my thoughts that I was able to turn things around and evolve into the next version of myself. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I always had the power within me, I just had to learn it for myself.
Continuous transformation
We can have multiple dark nights of the soul over the course of our lifetime, varying in duration and intensity. But there’s always one in particular that consumes us to the point where it leaves us feeling utterly empty and decimated when it’s over. Regardless of its severity, when we find ourselves in any kind of darkness, instead of avoiding it, we have the option to work with it in a way that is transformative.
Looking for divinity in the darkness
What if I could trust my feelings instead of asking to be delivered from them. What if I could follow one of my great fears all the way to the edge of the abyss, take a breath, and keep going. Isn’t there a chance of being surprised by what happens next? Better than that, what if I could learn to stay in the present instead of letting my anxieties run on fast forward.
Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark
We’re trained to keep our vibes high, stay positive, and be happy. When darkness shows up, we want to avoid it at all costs- so we flee. This is a fearful response. It is important in these moments to pause and ask ourselves what are we fleeing from? What are we not wanting to look at? Chances are it is something that once uncovered, will significantly aid in our personal growth.
A guide through the darkness
Every experience in life helps us know more fully who we really are.
Dark periods are no exception and have their place and purpose. The goal isn’t to eliminate them, but rather to learn to navigate our way through them. By probing the shadows of our lives and accepting darkness in all its forms, we have an opportunity unlock the hidden resources of our souls.
Part of my role as a transformative coach is to guide my clients through their personal darkness. I can’t take away the pain, but I do offer tools and wisdom that provide relief and more importantly, a different perspective. There are no shortcuts through a dark night of the soul, so I offer no such thing.
But I do offer myself as trusted guide who can walk you along your journey with you, with the knowledge that darkness is both necessary and temporary:
Necessary to become the next version of yourself and temporary, because nothing lasts forever; dawn always follows darkness.
To learn more about how I can help you through your own dark night, schedule a free consult here where we can get to know each other and see if coaching is a good fit for you.
