I’ve struggled with loneliness for as long as I can remember. I was a quiet, shy kid who found it hard to connect with the other boys. As I got older, I learned how to fit in by repressing the “different” (read: gay) parts of myself. And even in my adult life, while I found it easy to meet friends and lovers, loneliness set in time and time again.
Even when I had a partner I loved dearly.
Even with supportive friends and family.
Even in the middle of a crowded bar.
I’ve learned through my lifelong struggle with loneliness that it’s not about who is or isn’t in my life. It’s about my relationship with myself.
Thought error
After an excruciating break up several years ago, I would implore, “if he was still here I wouldn’t feel lonely.” Indeed, we tend to think the cure is simply finding people to fill the void in our hearts: more friends, more dates, more fucks. When that doesn’t work, we may also turn to drugs, alcohol, and other compulsive behaviours. I did it all.
This doesn’t work because it puts the onus on others to “fix” our loneliness, thereby relinquishing our power in the process. The result is that we play the victim in our own story, not only alone, but helpless as well.
Eventually I’d realize that the answer was to take responsibility for my problems and therefore empower myself to finding the solutions. It looked something like this:
- Acknowledge the pain – resisting pain doesn’t make it go away. Often times, simply acknowledging its existence helps ease the pressure and brings immediate relief. From that place of relief I could…
- Assume responsibility – regardless of who did what to whom, the reality is that I was left holding a giant stinking sack of loneliness and I was the only one who could do anything about it. So I could continue sulking and being a victim or I could…
- Do something about it – it took time and practice, but I got to know myself and learned how to really, truly, love myself. Not the image of myself or what others thought of me, but my flawed, insecure, beautiful self.
If you can’t love yourself…
Prioritizing my relationship with myself was transformative. Not only did my loneliness dissipate, but I experienced significant improvement in my career, my health, and my relationships. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I began coaching. Guiding people through self-discovery to a place of self-love and seeing the results of that transformation is a profound and intoxicating experience.
To that end, it’s worth noting that loneliness has become a social epidemic and is quite common in the gay community. I have coached men both at home and abroad who grapple with loneliness. I am not suggesting the solution is to isolate ourselves in a cocoon of self-love. But what I am saying is that once we nurture the connection with ourselves, our relationships with others strengthen as a result. That doesn’t necessarily mean more friendships, but it certainly means deeper ones.
For immediate relief from those sudden pangs of loneliness, use this process. It’s totally normal to feel lonely. We all do from time to time and yet we don’t give ourselves permission to feel it. In those challenging moments, pay attention to the thoughts you’re thinking because they have the power to either soothe or compound the feeling. This is where having a mindfulness practice comes in handy.
The greatest love of all
Of course loneliness can still creep up from time to time, especially when we are triggered. For me, that’s around the holidays. But the difference is that I’ve done this dance so many times that I’m 100% confident in my ability to handle it. It doesn’t break me like it used to.
Self-love and self-care are popular buzz words these days, with many people thinking it starts and ends with a day at the spa. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Learning to love yourself can be messy, ugly, and complicated. But as Whitney says, it the greatest love of all.
In the coming months, I will be writing and sharing more about loneliness and practical steps on how to overcome it. If you have struggled or continue to struggle with loneliness, I’d love to hear from you in my quest to create resources that resonate. Please contact me for details.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
