Self-confidence is sexy. Everyone wants to have more of it and we envy those who (we think) have more of it than we do. But not many people talk about it’s ugly twin brother, self-doubt.
Yet it is the people who know how to mindfully manage self-doubt that are the ones who are truly self-confident. Notice how I didn’t say eliminate self-doubt. I don’t think we can really make it disappear forever, but I think that we can get better at recognizing it and managing it in a way that serves us.
Doubt is the breeding ground for confidence
I used to think that self-confidence and self-doubt were mutually exclusive. But what I’ve learned is that the better I get at doing my little dance with self-doubt, the more self-confident I become. It’s when I bury my self-doubt away that I am most plagued by it and tend to over-compensate with grandiosity and arrogance. Yes, it is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. For me, the difference is that arrogant Michael wouldn’t admit to harbouring self-doubt but confident Michael knows it well- and isn’t ashamed of it. So just because you experience self-doubt doesn’t make you any less confident.
The inner saboteur
Here’s an example of what self-doubt looks like for me. I write a new post and I’m about to share it with the world. But then those limiting belief thoughts start to buzz around: you can’t share this, you’re not good enough, no one is going to read it, you’re wasting your time, you don’t know what you’re talking about, what if there are mistakes, what if so-and-so reads it, what are they going to think, let’s eat a bag of chips and watch a movie instead, just shut it down and deal with it tomorrow, etc.
Even if I manage to ignore that mental clusterfuck, any number of physiological responses can kick in: feeling warm and flush, faster heart rate, shallow breaths, tension in my shoulders, and heaviness in my stomach. But I’ve become well-acquainted with this particular instance of self-doubt and am able to see beyond it. So I share my post anyway.
Left unchecked, self-doubt is a potent weapon in the arsenal of our inner saboteur. Recognizing that this feeling comes up when I’m embarking on a new challenge or about to do something that is out of my comfort zone allows me to see self-doubt for what it is: an essential ingredient in the recipe for my own growth and evolution.
Diminishing the impact of self-doubt
Along my journey with self-doubt, I’ve picked up these helpful nuggets that have proven useful in mitigating its impact:
- Self-doubt is universal. It’s one of those pesky human things we all deal with. It does not mean that we’re flawed. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Self-doubt plagues everyone, including people we see as confident: Beyonce, Serena Williams, The Beatles, and Mark Zuckerberg to name a few.
- Self-doubt is just a series of thoughts about yourself, a challenge you’re facing, and your ability to overcome it. Since thoughts are born in your mind, you can create better ones. Get out of automatic mode and decide what you want to think about yourself, the challenge, and your ability to overcome it. For example, “I can try to figure this out” instead of “I can’t do this”. Self-doubt will always invite you to quit and have a low opinion of yourself. You can respectfully decline the offer.
- Notice when self-doubt shows up. It probably doesn’t show up when you’re tying your shoelaces or brushing your teeth. It’s more likely to appear when you’re faced with an opportunity to grow and evolve outside of your comfort zone. So instead of thinking that something has gone wrong, realize that it’s a sign that you’re on the right path. Self-doubt is just a necessary step in the process of your evolution.
- Self-doubt is learned at a young age and is continuously reinforced when we don’t bring awareness to it or learn to manage it. This isn’t something that is normally part of our education, so it can take years to develop strategies that work. In fact, many professional athletes hire coaches who specifically focus on removing self-doubt blocks to improve their performance. So let yourself off the hook.
- Self-doubt is necessary and carries with it seeds of opportunity. This is known as the Law of Polarity. The yin to its yang is self-confidence. In order to experience self-confidence, we must know self-doubt. They are two horns on the same goat. Self-doubt calls on our ability to have faith and belief in ourselves. Without it, there is no journey to self-confidence.
- You have overcome self-doubt before. Look back at some of your greatest achievements and I bet you’ll find that the road to success was paved self-doubt as much as it was with hard work and self-confidence. You’ve done it before and you will do it again.
Final thoughts
Self-doubt shows up when we’re being called upon to grow beyond our comfort zone. We can succumb to it, which denies us the growth and perpetuates the doubt. Or we can embrace it and learn to overcome it, which not only allows us to grow but also gives us a sense of belief and trust in our own abilities. This is what we call self-confidence.
