Another one bites the dust. The news of Fly’s impending closure is the latest in a series of losses in our Village. This one hits home for me. Years before I moved downtown, my first true gay bar experience was at an event at Fly called Grapefruit. Growing up gay in the suburbs without any gay role models or friends, I often felt isolated. I felt as though I had to be someone that society wanted me to be, instead of just being me. But there were innate desires simmering below the surface.
Like a virgin
When I eventually came out in first year, I attended gay events typical of small university towns, but I had never experienced the euphoria of a dedicated gay dance club until Grapefruit. These lyrics aptly summarize my experience that night:
I remember the thump of the bass and the pump of the kick,
because my heart was almost out my body.
I felt free, I felt joy, I felt things I never thought I’d feel before.
It was deep, it was soulful, it was techno, it was disco.
A kaleidoscope of sounds.It was an essential mix in the clouds,
Jamie Antonelli, “Divine”
where we could dance and sing out loud,
and everybody loved everybody else.
There was no hurt, there was no sorrow, there was no pain.
And like children we danced and we laughed, and we played
without a care in the world.
Fly is where, for the first time, I was excited about being gay. It made me want to be gay. I felt like I had finally found my people. Not just a few, but a thumping three-storey dance club full of them- openly and happily living their best gay lives. These people had the potential to be new friends and lovers. Indeed, over the years Fly has provided an abundance of both.
I believe that my experience is common for many of us that come from small towns, the ‘burbs, or countries where there was limited exposure to gay men and no access to gay spaces (the woods at the edge of town don’t count).
The decline of gay spaces
The closing of Fly and other gay bars is more than just shuttering of a dance club. It represents the decline of our Village that’s been in progress for years- not just in Toronto, but all over North America. Many reasons are cited for this including gentrification, the internet, and the integration of gays into hetero society. While I don’t deny this is true, I do believe that regardless of these factors, the need for dedicated gay spaces – be it an entire area of the city, a couple of gay bars, or a single book store- still exists.
An argument I hear often is that gay culture has become so widely accepted that there’s no need for dedicated gay bars anymore.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
Why it matters for everyone
There’s an important distinction between being accepted by the mainstream and blending into the mainstream. The goal is to have a strong sense of identity that is universally respected and celebrated, not for it to melt into the mainstream.
visitors must realize that they are guests in a designated gay space. That means being respectful of whatever debauchery we engage in, while recognizing boundaries and most importantly, leaving judgment at the door.
Having dedicated gay spaces is fundamental to sustaining our unique identity and matters not just for the gays, but for the greater LGBTQ+ community, and for any groups who are marginalized- be it by ethnicity, religion, or sexuality. What would our society look like if vibrant Chinatowns were steamrolled or if Latin salsa clubs disappeared? Any cultural group can draw parallels here, but I speak to my area of expertise: the gay community.
Freedom of expression
Gay spaces were born from a need to have safe meeting places where gay men could socialize without fear of abuse or persecution. While it’s true that urban western society has evolved to a point where that need has lessened, it has not disappeared. Homophobia is still a threat and microaggressions toward the LGBTQ+ community are a real problem. Even beyond that, we are still subject to misunderstanding and judgment from people we’d consider allies.
Gay bars are a place for us to meet, mingle, and connect with each other in a safe environment. When you’re in a dedicated gay bar, it’s more likely that the guy you’re checking out won’t be insulted by your admiring eyes. When you’re on a date, you don’t need to think twice about public displays of affection. You can have frank conversations about gay things without offending the table beside you.
Gay bars are places where the bathrooms dispense more condoms and lube than hand soap. While the rest of society has been bickering about gender-neutral bathrooms, gay bars have been enjoying these for years without issue. In the sultry realm of the gay bar, freedom of sexual expression is alive and well- on the dance floor or otherwise. And this sexual expression isn’t subject to condemnation because there is no place for stigma or shame here. We have enough of that in the outside world.
Regardless of how accepted gay culture is, there are still people who are uncomfortable with it and many aspects that are hardly mainstream. Therefore, it’s important to have spaces where we can authentically and openly express ourselves. They give us a safe, supportive environment to be and do those things that may be misunderstood by the outside world and would otherwise expose us to bigotry.
A showcase of our culture
On top of this, gay bars are one of our greatest cultural exports. They provide some of the most visible representations that capture the spirit of gay culture in the mainstream. This is highlighted by the fact that our spaces are commonly frequented by straight men and women looking for a taste of that delicious and liberating ambiance they can’t find in a straight bar.
But, like any culture, gay culture is complex and nuanced and can be difficult for outsiders to understand. So while I am open to sharing our spaces, visitors must realize that they are guests in a designated gay space. That means being respectful of whatever debauchery we engage in, while recognizing boundaries and most importantly, leaving judgment at the door. And if you’re not dancing, don’t take up space on the dance floor, hunny. Also, stay out of the dark room.
The importance of tribe
Yes, it’s a good thing that gay people today are enjoying a period of visibility and acceptance in mainstream society. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need dedicated gay spaces anymore. It is important that we have a space to enjoy freedom of expression and the sense of camaraderie that comes from connecting with our tribe in a judgment-free zone. Gay spaces overall – not just bars – contribute to a sense of community, solidarity, and friendship that studies have shown promote well-being throughout one’s lifespan.
Goodbye to Fly
I look back on my first time at Fly as a turning point in my coming to terms with my sexuality. Over the years, I enjoyed many sweaty nights (and sometimes early mornings) at that old house on Gloucester St. They were mesmerizing nights of hot bodies thumping to the seductive beats of our favourite songs under the disco ball. It’s where I felt safe enough to experiment with sexual practices and substances, and learned a lot about myself in the process.
More importantly, it is a place where I met fabulous friends and luscious lovers. It’s where I created lasting connections that could only be formed through these shared experiences in a dedicated gay space.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
