The gay bathhouse experience is a staple of gay culture that has survived police raids, AIDS, and the emergence of online dating and apps. Through the times, bathhouses have remained true to their roots: they are places where men can have casual sex with men, socialize, and enjoy the facilities.
Personally, I quite enjoy visiting the baths. I find them refreshingly honest compared to apps where things are not always as they appear. But the baths are not for everyone. If you haven’t tried, I recommend going at least once to see what it’s all about. You never know what treasures lie just outside of your comfort zone…
Going for the first time can seem daunting. But us bathhouse pros are quite welcoming of newbies and there are always staff nearby to help you out if needed.
If you’re curious about visiting the baths, this will prepare you for what you can expect and give you 10 pro tips for your first visit.
What’s inside a bathhouse?
Each bathhouses is unique and may even have special theme nights from time to time. Check out their website and read the most recent Google reviews for the specifics. Generally speaking, most bathhouses have one or more of the following amenities:
Sauna and/or steam room
A sauna is a heated room that gives off dry heat. A steam room is heated with steam so it is hot and moist. Visibility is limited in the steam room because they are dimly lit and are constantly being infused with steam mist so be mindful if you wear contacts or eyeglasses.
Both the sauna and steam will have benches for you to sit, relax, and enjoy. Spending too much time in the heat can dehydrate you, so make sure you take breaks and drink lots of water, especially if you’ve been drinking alcohol or using substances.
Jacuzzi
The jacuzzi is bubbly option to relax and have some light fun. This area is usually a popular spot to relax, meet other guys, or just enjoy the eye candy. Light touching and make-outs are allowed, but penetrative sex is prohibited in the jacuzzi for hygienic reasons. Remember: you’ll only have a towel, so if you want to use the jacuzzi, you’ll be naked.
Showers
There will be plenty of showers around for you to rinse off, cool down, or clean up. Most will be open-concept showers where you can wash up while looking around for potential buddies. You can have fun in the showers – but keep in mind others may watch… and maybe join.
TV area
There is usually a common area with benches facing a large-screen TV showing porn. You’ll find guys watching and probably jerking solo or with others. Group fun organically happens here. There’s no expectation to join, and you’re welcome to watch. Guys who want privacy will leave. This is a good place to chill between cruising rounds.
Private rooms
There will be blocks of private rooms or stalls that guys have rented for their use. The room usually doesn’t have much besides a mattress (or bench with a wipeable pad). You will often see guys on their bed naked and waiting. An open door is an invitation to come in. If the door is closed, leave it that way.
Dark rooms
This is the “anything goes” room where things are dark and anonymous. The lights are off or at most very dim. All you can see are shadowy figures so you’ll have to use your hands – or other parts of your body – to communicate. Condoms are rare and consent is not explicit (but “no” still means “no”- see #4 below).
If anonymous sex turns you on, you’ll like the dark room. Otherwise, this may seem creepy and unsafe. Some darkrooms are maze-like hallways with glory holes and plenty of hidden nooks and crannies.
Bar
Some bathhouses will have a bar with a staff member serving basic drinks. This is a spot where casual socializing is accepted. Most bathhouses are cash-only, but some will just add the cost of your beverage to your tab which you will pay before you leave. The bar makes for a good dedicated meeting area if you go with a group of friends.
The Bathhouse Basics
Bathhouses have their own rules and regulations usually posted at the entrance so familiarize yourself with them before going in. Here are 10 basic rules and tips that will prepare you for your first visit to the baths. For the short-and-sweet Instagram version, click here.
1. Ditch the clothes
The baths are not a place for clothing. Upon arrival, the staff will give you a towel to wear (and maybe flip flops). They’ll also assign you a locker or private room for you to store your street clothes and valuables. Expect to be in a towel or naked. Alternatively, the bathhouse is a great place to show off a sexy jockstrap, underwear or fetish gear… or just ditch the towel and go commando.
2. Keep your keys
Along with your assigned locker/room, you’ll get a key on a stretchy elastic band so that you can wear it on your arm, wrist, or ankle. Be sure you are in possession of your key at all times, even while you’re having fun. Little known trick: some guys indicate their role by the side of the body they wear their key: left arm for tops; right arm if you’re bottom.
3. Keep the talking to a minimum
People don’t go to the baths for casual chit chat; that’s what bars are for. Talking is allowed, but most prefer that it’s done quietly. At the bar or jacuzzi, it’s more acceptable to socialize. When in doubt, go with the vibe of the room. Silence is golden in the dark room, steam room, and sauna.
At the baths, the highest form of language is body language. Use your eyes to signify interest. Maintain a flirtatious gaze or friendly smile to the guys you’re interested in. If someone is looking at you that you aren’t interested in, simply look away or shake your head if they make an unwanted advance. You can also touch guys that you’re interested in, but remember…
4. No means no
In the bathhouse, it’s quite natural to feel random hands on you at any given moment. A touch or graze while walking by is a routine way to express interest in someone. If you’re not interested, a firm yet respectful ‘no thank you’ will send your suitor on his way.
If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to be more assertive. Push someone’s hand off you as soon as you feel uncomfortable. In some instances, you may have to be more forceful with your no.
If you like having plenty of personal space, and are not comfortable with unwanted touches, the bathhouse will certainly test your boundaries. Be prepared to say no often.
5. Buy your own drinks
It’s important to stay hydrated, but don’t drink or accept other people’s drinks. It’s possible for someone to spike your drink with GHB, a liquid drug that makes you feel sleepy, slows down your breathing and heart rate. Even small doses of GHB can be a lethal combination with alcohol so don’t risk it.
If you’re thirsty, buy your own drink at the bar- and keep an eye on it.
6. Watching
There are plenty of common areas where guys will be having fun. Don’t be alarmed to see groping and full-on group sex in full display. Guys sometimes gather around to watch or even get in on the action. Voyeurism and exhibitionism is part of bathhouse culture- so let yourself watch and be watched.
If you want privacy, you can find a room or dark corner where you’re less likely to be seen.
7. Safer sex
Bareback sex is common at the baths. Conversations about HIV status, PrEP use, and vaccinations are extremely rare in a darkroom or glory hole. Bathhouses supply plenty of free condoms and lube, so if you’re concerned about STIs, wear a condom. If you’ve had unprotected sex and are worried about the consequences, get tested to put yourself at ease.
8. Substance-free
Most bathhouses have a zero-tolerance drug policy, but the reality is that it is rarely a drug-free zone. If it’s your first bathhouse experience, stay clear of substances so that you can evaluate your safety and enjoyment more objectively. If you choose to use substances during later visits, make sure you are aware of the risks.
9. Bring a buddy
For your first time, it can be fun to go with a sex positive friend or two. First, walk around together to get a lay of the land. Perhaps begin with a relaxing jacuzzi or steam. Once you’re ready to venture off on your own, pick a meetup spot where you can find each other later. If you go together, agree to leave together. Don’t leave the bathhouse without telling your buddy.
10. Have fun
Your bathhouse experience can be whatever you want it to be. Go with the intention of simply having fun. Think of it as a fun experiment and do only what you’re comfortable with.
Remember: you can have fun at the baths without having sex at all. Indulge your exhibitionist or voyeuristic side or simply relax and enjoy the amenities. Just don’t be surprised when people are having sex beside you or if you constantly have to tell people you’re not looking. Most people are here to have sex eventually.
Any questions?
I hope these tips increase your understanding of this important part of our shared gay culture. If you have additional questions, feel free to ask me here.
Men’s Group Workshops
Are you feeling a little unsure or insecure about going to the baths? Check out Wellismo’s Men’s Groups where we are elevating the conversations men have about all aspects of gay life, including sex and sexuality. In these groups, we take a sex positive approach where authenticity and vulnerability is encouraged. You will also have the opportunity to be coached on any specific challenges you may be facing.
Podcast
For more on bathhouses and cruising, check out the Gay Men Going Deeper Podcast episode with long-time writer, activist, and educator Tim McCaskell. Together we share our personal stories while exploring topics such as:
- What really goes on in a bathhouse?
- Why are they important to our history and culture?
- Are they still relevant today in a world dominated by apps?
- What are the risks?
- Tips for making the most of your visit
Whether you enjoy the bathhouse scene or not, this episode will shed light on the sociological and historical significance of these queer spaces from the perspective of two men of two different generations.
Blog post cover photo by cottonbro studio from Pexels.
