After years of coaching gay men, I’ve noticed something: the same issues keep showing up again and again. Different guys, different life stories, but underneath it all, the patterns are almost identical.
And I’m not talking about guys who are still in the process of coming out.
For the guys who are out, proud, and living what looks like a great life, these handful of struggles still sneak in. That’s because they’re not random. They’re coping mechanisms a lot gay, bi, and queer men develop from growing up gay in a straight world—ways we learned to survive in this world when who we were didn’t feel safe.
Here are a few that come up the most:
Perfectionism.
This isn’t just about wanting to do things well. It’s needing things to be flawless: whether its your body, your outfit, the way you host a dinner party. Why are so many of us strangely obsessed with needing things to be perfect? Because deep down you believe if it’s not perfect, you’re not enough. On the surface it looks polished, but underneath it’s exhausting.
Comparison.
We all compare sometimes. That’s just a human trait. But when it turns into a weapon against yourself—scrolling through Instagram, convincing yourself everyone else has it figured out and you don’t—it just feeds insecurity. You see their highlight reel and forget you’re comparing it to your behind-the-scenes. That comparison erodes any sense of joy, accomplishment, and satisfaction you have and leaves you feeling despair.
Lack of Boundaries.
Saying yes when you mean no. People-pleasing until you’re resentful. Not asking for help because you don’t want to look weak. From the outside, you look like the nice guy everyone can rely on, but inside you’re running on empty.
Burnout.
Pouring yourself into work, the gym, or one big project while neglecting friendships, hobbies, or joy. You tell yourself “I’ll slow down once I finish this project,” but there’s always another goal to hustle towards. But it’s a good hustle, it feels productive and empowering when you’re in the zone and reaping the rewards of your hard work. Until one day, you realize you’ve built success but lost your balance.
Intimacy Avoidance.
Hookups feel safe, but someone wanting to stay the night? Too much. They text again? Panic. That creeping anxiety that says, “They’re getting too close” has less to do with them and more to do with our old wiring that says connection isn’t safe.
These struggles don’t come out of nowhere. They’re the residue of shame we grew up with—not the obvious kind that comes to mind when you say the word “shame”, but the subtle kind that lingers in the shadows. It doesn’t often feel like shame, which is why it slips under the radar and keeps showing up in our habits.
And that’s exactly why I created Foundations.
Because once you understand the root of these patterns, you can stop letting them run the show. In Foundations, we’ll unpack the things no one taught us about growing up gay in a straight world and how those lessons still shape our confidence, self-worth, and ability to connect with others today.
The upcoming Foundations group session starts October 8, 2025 and lasts 5 weeks. Join in and let’s grow together.
